Stream of Consciousness

I hate stream of consciousness exercises.

And relationships are bullshit.

Thanks I just had to get that off my chest. And that doesn’t just go for those damned love interest type relationships either. I mean for all relationships. The idealized friendship, the father-daughter, mother-son whatever-ness is just that, idealized bullshit. You and everybody else is not ever going to get or have that idealized relationship, it doesn’t matter what it is, and if it seems like someone does have it, cool your jets, don’t go and be all jealous and shit, they don’t have it either. Trust me, behind closed doors, they are just as lost and confused and uncertain as you are, if not more so, because now they have something that they could lose. If they get unhappy with the relationship and they walk away from it…what if they never find another relationship as good, or as stable as the one they walked away from? So they, in the end, are trapped as well. I’m sure not all relationships are miserable, I’m sure there are friendships, and family relations that are quite comfortable with each other and don’t see each other in these negative terms, but I’m in a bitchy mood, so let’s not focus no them right now. Even the relationships that are all rosy and shit have their ups and down. There are arguments and hard times, and then they work through it or don’t, they forgive and forget, or don’t. The one thing that is a for sure thing, is you, you will always be around, and when you aren’t you won’t be around to notice it. But even you will change, what you view as important will shift… what you want. Everything is always in flux, but at the end of the day, we all have to sleep with ourselves, we have to live with the decisions that we make each and every day, not the decisions of others, that’s their problem. That’s their “stuff”. As for what we do and do not do, it is all about what you’re okay with, are you ok with just living out your life, without making much of an impact on anyone’s lives? I imagine there are a lot of people who do just that with their lives: nothing. For them, there is a special boring place for them in the after-life I think, a boring place, full of other boring people like them, being boring.

So what do I want? What do I want from life? What do I want to achieve? Do I want to leave a legacy? No, not really. Everything will fade away at some point in time, everybody is forgotten, so to make it a goal to be known for something seems to be futile. Kinda like those bricks we all see of people’s names in walkways and public spaces, we might read them, but they are just carved letters in a block, with no real meaning to us. They could actually be new bricks too, and no one knows whose names those are…damn. So even a name in stone doesn’t add up to much.

Do I want notoriety or acknowledgement in my own life? Some kind of nod of approval from society? If I ever do something worthy of praise, I suppose some acknowledgement would be nice, but it is not really a need or craving that I have.

So what do I want? If the ideal relationship is not a reality, what do I want? I don’t know. And that’s the problem, I don’t know.